How to Smell Really Good (Emotionally)!

emotional-hygieneBringing together this summer’s Pixar blockbuster Inside Out, classic episodes of the original Star Trek and the gargantuan, impenetrable novel Infinite Jest, here’s my Tuesday’s in the Chapel talk for this semester (as audio and transcript):

First Reading:
From Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace, p. 695:

Hal, who’s empty but not dumb, theorizes privately that what passes for hip cynical transcendence of sentiment is really some kind of fear of being really human, since to be really human (at least as he conceptualizes it) is probably to be unavoidably sentimental and naïve and goo-prone and generally pathetic, is to be in some basic interior way forever infantile… One of the really American things about Hal, probably, is the way he despises what it is he’s really lonely for: this hideous internal self, incontinent of sentiment and need, that pules and writhes just under the hip empty mask, anhedonia.

Our topic this semester is “What did you learn this summer?”

brushing-teeth-too-hard

This summer, after 36 years on this earth, I’m proud to say that I learned about good hygiene. But, obviously, I’m employing a rhetorical flourish to get your attention; I’m not talking about showering and brushing my teeth. I’m talking about what I call “emotional hygiene”.

I think what I mean by “emotional hygiene” is a daily awareness and maintenance of our emotional health. Similar to the way we shower and brush our teeth on a regular basis, giving the same sort of consistent brief attention to how we’re feeling—so that things don’t get gunked up and crusty.

Inside-Out-characters

I’m going to kick things off with a little movie clip. This is a scene from Inside Out. Most of the movie takes place inside the mind of an eleven year old girl named Riley. The main characters are Riley’s emotions and in this clip we see them trying to cope with Riley’s first day in a new city and new school.

[From: Inside Out (2015)
Setting: Inside the mind of an 11-year-old girl]

Joy: Oh Sadness, I have a super important job just for you!
Sadness: Really?
Joy: Mmm-hmm. Follow me.
[Joy draws a circle on the floor around Sadness]
Sadness: What are you doing?
Joy: And, there. Perfect! This is the circle of sadness. Your job is to make sure that all the sadness stays inside of it.
Sadness: So, you want me to just stand here?
Joy: Hey, it’s not my place to tell you how to do your job. Just make sure that all the sadness stays in the circle. See? You’re a pro at this! Isn’t this fun?!
Sadness: No.
Joy: Atta Girl! Alright everyone, fresh start! We are gonna have a good day which will turn into a good week which will turn into a good year which turns into a good life!

Without spoiling the movie, let’s just say that Joy’s plan for a good day doesn’t exactly work out. And it goes wrong because things vear off the path of good emotional hygiene. Because good emotional hygiene is not about filtering out unpleasant emotions. It’s about giving space to all of them. Because each one serves a unique and important purpose. Perhaps sadness in particular has a crucial and unexpected role to play.

We’ll come back to the movie in a moment.

Spock-logicSo good emotional hygiene starts with emotional literacy which just boils down to answering the question: what am I feeling right now? in this moment. This can be a surprisingly slippery and uncomfortable question—especially for those of us who like to stay in a strictly rational space. As a kid, I used to love watching old episodes of the original Star Trek. But I couldn’t really relate to the impassioned and over-dramatic ways of the debonair Captain Kirk. Mr. Spock on the other hand?… Now there’s my kinda guy! Tall and skinny, calm, emotionless, way smarter than everyone else and a science rockstar. And most importantly, always, unceasingly LOGICAL.

In one episode Spock says “May I say that I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with humans? I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant irritant.”

So, sadly Spock has not been such a good mentor in this particular area, but, fortunately, I’ve grown out of thinking that emotions are an irritant, a hindrance.

Emotional Literacy 101 says there are five basic feelings which determine our emotional state. And they’re pretty easy to remember: Glad, Sad, Mad, Afraid and Ashamed—just like we saw in the clip. The idea is that at any given time, we’re actually feeling all of these, it’s just a question of what the mix is, of which ones are most prominent.

So there’s a simple exercise, where I can take a quick inventory of my emotions to see what feeling is “on top”. I give some space to that emotion and explore where it’s coming from and what it’s telling me. Then I move to the next one that’s “on top” and so on.

So I remember a really illuminating moment last spring when I was telling a small group of students about these five basic emotions. One student said wistfully, “huh, four out of the five emotions are negative.” I wonder what you think of that? I knew exactly what he meant and it really got me thinking.

Because I think so many of us have that same unconscious bias against what seem like “negative emotions”. And much like the clip that we saw, with an emotion like sadness, we try and keep it as minimized and as contained as possible. A totally natural, understandable response, but what does it cost us to marginalize some of our emotions in this way?

Well, I think it costs us a great deal. And as I’ve come to learn about this stuff, I realized that it’s cost me a great deal.

MrStubbornlittle miss stubborn

Let me give you a current example. I’ve recently noticed that there are a few unhealthy patterns in my relationship with my 4-year-old daughter. When we butt heads, we have this dynamic of each stubbornly digging in our heals, each refusing to let go of our agenda. It usually ends in tears. And I’ve found myself becoming REALLY angry really quickly in these scenarios. Each successive time this happens, it seems to happen faster and the pattern becomes more entrenched.

Now, parenting is filled with plenty of challenging and frustrating moments, but even so, I’ve noticed that my internal anger response is well beyond what’s warranted in the moment.

So I’m still very much an emotional hygiene newb, but here’s how I’m trying to apply what I’m learning.

After an incident where I feel triggered into that very angry state, I try to take a few minutes to go through one of these emotional inventories. The emotion on top is obviously anger. But I take some time to explore where specifically that anger is coming from. It goes something like this:

Inside-Out-Anger

I’m angry about not feeling like I’m in control of this situation. I’m angry that I don’t feel respected by my daughter. I’m angry about not getting my way in the conflict.

Once I’ve spent some time with the anger, I look to see what emotion is beneath that. And I discover, in this case, it’s sadness. I feel sadness over the hurt that I’m causing my daughter, that I’m probably causing her to feel rejected. I feel sadness about not knowing how to handle the situation in a better, less painful way. I feel sadness over the fact that strife in relationships is a part of life.

inside-out-sadnessconstipationIn this process I realize that I’ve become “emotionally constipated.” Now I’m mixing my metaphors, but maybe you catch my drift. Subconsciously I don’t want to get in touch with that sadness and so I keep it bottled up under a protective layer of anger. But, if I can allow myself to engage with that sadness, I am empowered to let go and move on. And my experience is that, while the sadness is very unpleasant, that it leads to me feeling free and joyful.

So if I have one practical encouragement to share this morning (besides seeing the movie Inside Out as soon as possible), I guess it’s to let yourself feel sadness if you need to.

But, if you’re like me, you’re not exactly pulling out your calendar right now to see when you can schedule a good cry. That’s ok. Today I’m more focusing on day-to-day emotional hygiene and the cry-your-eyes-out session is maybe more like getting a cavity in your tooth filled. It’s perhaps not as frequent and hopefully not as necessary if you brush your teeth every day.

dawson-crying-ugly-amazing-gifs

So Good sadness hygiene is about paying attention and giving space to all the little sadnesses, the little things that I need to let go of in my normal day-to-day. I’ve noticed that there are a ton of ways that this comes up. A few examples:

  • I get nervous and say something awkward in a conversation with someone and feel like an idiot.
  • I have a stressful traffic encounter with another driver or pedestrian where dirty looks (and maybe the occasional hand gesture) are exchanged.
  • And actually any situation where I feel like someone is judging me.

What does this look like, engaging with these little sadnesses? Well, this is gonna sound super silly and childish, but I’ve found it to be really helpful. It’s the word “Ow”. Like what you say when you stub your toe or get a paper cut. “Ow!”

Ow-Said-The-Elf

You don’t have to say it out loud obviously. So it might be something like, “Uhhg, this person is definitely judging me for what I just said. Ow. Gosh, I don’t like the way that feels. I feel sad about that.”

Now, I’m not always present enough to my feelings to pull this off. Oftentimes, when I feel judged I just get defensive and judge right back, with a vengence. But I’ve learned that that doesn’t actually do anything productive and it eventually leads to emotional BO.

Body-Odor-B.O.-Cartoon

Something else I’ve noticed is that our need to feel sadness, when it happens and what provokes it doesn’t always makes sense. This reminds me of one moment from the life of Jesus that has always fascinated and perplexed me. It’s the story where Jesus’ friend Lazarus dies and several days later, Jesus raises him back to life.

Jesus gets to Lazarus’ home town, knowing that he’s already dead. He see’s Lazarus’ sisters and then he starts to head over to Lazarus’ tomb so he can resurrect him (which he’s already said he’s going to do). But then he stops. He stops and weeps. He cries openly, publicly, without shame.

brick bible jesus wept

This has always felt so strange to me. Jesus does this two minutes before bringing Lazarus back to life. And he KNOWS that he’s about to bring him back! Why doesn’t he just keep things in check for just a moment longer? Why does he even need to cry at all?

But, he doesn’t hold back. He doesn’t restrain the emotion. I’m winding up here so I’m not about to get into any theology about Jesus. All that aside, I think this is a powerful image of true emotional health. Jesus isn’t in tears all that often, but he shows us that this is at least part of what it looks like to be fully alive, fully integrated and fully human.
Here’s hoping that good emotional hygiene can help you to “live long and prosper”!Adam Live Long and Posper

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